Thursday, August 25, 2011

Sapphire Sting vs. the Pestinator

When a new threat arises, a hero must emerge to combat it. After several years of quiet retirement, I, Sapphire Sting, have returned to active duty to combat the menace of the Pestinator.

It started small, as many such things do. A few ants here, a few there, never a conspicuous quantity. Little did the citizens of this tiny town suspect that these were but the advance scouts of an invasion force. The Pestinator had genetically engineered these ants for increased fecundity and resistance to most known toxins. They also bore a custom-built pheromone designed to drive humans mad. The Pestinator had nothing less in mind than total domination.

As the swarm hit, fumigators tried to hold back the rising tide of black trespassers but to no avail. Heroes across the city were left stymied as their powers - flame, ice, and even my radiation failed to have a significant impact against their sheer numbers.

A solution had to be found, and quickly. The invasion was so wide-spread that, even if a defense were devised, distribution might take too long to be effective. I realized, as I began assembling ingredients in my lab, that the ants had invaded there as well! Since they were unfazed by the chemicals and potions I had assembled, I knew they would be useless and, for a moment, I despaired of finding an answer.

I fled my lab and returned to my home, hoping to least protect my wife from the insect interlopers and found her in heated combat with them in our kitchen, holding them back with every ounce of her flaming fury.

Suddenly, my cybernetically enhanced eyes spotted something unusual which proved to be the key to our salvation. While they swarmed over the counters and table, I realized that there were two places they were avoiding - the spice rack and the pantry! I knew there was accessible food in the pantry and wondered why none had invaded there. I realized that the answer was right there in my own kitchen, but I had to act quickly to close off their access points.

I took several of the most pungent spices from the rack and hastily dumped them together in a super-sized bowl, then seized the baking soda from the pantry and added it to the mixture. The ants began to distance themselves from the bowl, but not far; the combined scent still wasn't strong enough! Remembering my chemistry, I reached into the pantry again, grasping the bottle of vinegar and slopped it into the bowl, producing a chemical reaction which carried the scent of the concoction through the house with the vapors of carbon dioxide.

The ants began to flee in an expanding circle, their tiny olfactory organs overpowered by the spicy stench of my stew. Now, the dilemma was to close off their access points before they could develop a resistance and return. Looking again into the bowl, I realized that my powder had become a sticky paste, which could be applied to the crevices, cracks and crannies they crawled through. I flew through the house, slapping the sticky solution wherever the ants were coming through. The flood of ants soon became a trickle, then there were none at all.

I knew I couldn't fly through the city in time to patch every home before the ants took over, but I realized that since the miraculous mixture was made of common household supplies, it could be quickly mixed in large quantities by everyone! I hailed my allies and we spread the word by all possible means and eventually, the city was won. His evil scheme foiled, the Pestinator was quickly apprehended and will now be spending a long time in a cell with a faint scent of cinnamon.

In case your home is still infested, use this recipe to antagonize the ant assailants:

Combine roughly equal parts black pepper, chili powder and cinnamon (can go a little heavy on the cinnamon to give it a more pleasing scent for humans). Add a little vinegar - enough to make a decent liquid suspension - then thicken with baking soda until pasty/sticky, though make sure to add that baking soda very gradually so it doesn't bubble over and make a mess. Water can be used instead of vinegar for a less potent brew.

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